Hi.
Thought I'd do a little bit of (over) sharing with you seeing as today is the first day of #mentalhealthawarenessweek
Some of you may know (not a secret) that I have spent some time on antidepressants.
Sometime being actually 12 years! For *this* episode.
What you may not know is that I've suffered with mental health issues my entire life (hindsight).
I had childhood issues that massively contributed towards my mental health, physical health, self esteem, body image, disordered eating, confidence and anything else that could be impacted.
I've carried secrets and shame upon my shoulders from an incredibly young age right through into my fucked up adulthood.
I spent a lot of years descending into drink and drugs and lived the party girl lifestyle to the full. And although I actually had the best time being young and living for the weekends, I do wonder if the drinking til the blackouts and lack of self control was some sort of release/coping mechanism?
My depression has caused many problems to varying degrees throughout my life.
It has reared its ugly head multiple times and nearly destroyed me.
It's made me the shittest, most unreliable person. It's turned me into an irrational, paranoid bastard.
It's made me cry and cry and cry without knowing why. Often in the worst situations. At work, facing general public, in my former roller derby team, in front of family.
I've had multiple breakdowns to the point I have been physically bedridden and almost unable to speak.
It's destroyed relationships with people and ruined friendships. It's made me hurt people and burn bridges I'll never rebuild.
Worst of all it's made me believe that I am the worst person and all the pain I experienced I truly deserved! It's also made me contemplate and research suicide methods. It's even made me feel weak and unworthy when I couldn't bring myself to carry it through.
I spent all these years doing this on multiple medications that would no longer do their job. I'd up the dosage til I'd max out and then have to be changed onto others. I would have all sorts of side effects to deal with on top of the illness, and medication felt like russian roulette.
Thought I'd do a little bit of (over) sharing with you seeing as today is the first day of #mentalhealthawarenessweek
Some of you may know (not a secret) that I have spent some time on antidepressants.
Sometime being actually 12 years! For *this* episode.
What you may not know is that I've suffered with mental health issues my entire life (hindsight).
I had childhood issues that massively contributed towards my mental health, physical health, self esteem, body image, disordered eating, confidence and anything else that could be impacted.
I've carried secrets and shame upon my shoulders from an incredibly young age right through into my fucked up adulthood.
I spent a lot of years descending into drink and drugs and lived the party girl lifestyle to the full. And although I actually had the best time being young and living for the weekends, I do wonder if the drinking til the blackouts and lack of self control was some sort of release/coping mechanism?
My depression has caused many problems to varying degrees throughout my life.
It has reared its ugly head multiple times and nearly destroyed me.
It's made me the shittest, most unreliable person. It's turned me into an irrational, paranoid bastard.
It's made me cry and cry and cry without knowing why. Often in the worst situations. At work, facing general public, in my former roller derby team, in front of family.
I've had multiple breakdowns to the point I have been physically bedridden and almost unable to speak.
It's destroyed relationships with people and ruined friendships. It's made me hurt people and burn bridges I'll never rebuild.
Worst of all it's made me believe that I am the worst person and all the pain I experienced I truly deserved! It's also made me contemplate and research suicide methods. It's even made me feel weak and unworthy when I couldn't bring myself to carry it through.
I spent all these years doing this on multiple medications that would no longer do their job. I'd up the dosage til I'd max out and then have to be changed onto others. I would have all sorts of side effects to deal with on top of the illness, and medication felt like russian roulette.
But now the positives..... +++++
Throughout all of this I've had a few constants by my side. One of which is my partner. Who is the most patient, caring, understanding soul I've ever known. He's picked me off the floor, he's held me, he's done all the "life" stuff when I wasn't capable. He's shown me nothing but love when I've believed I wasn't deserving of any. I cannot believe he has stuck with me through this, but he has!
The others are my family. My brothers and my sis-in-law. Who have also been there for me and continued to love me despite my flakiness as a human being.
The others are my family. My brothers and my sis-in-law. Who have also been there for me and continued to love me despite my flakiness as a human being.
Over the last few years I've been in a better place and managing to plod on relatively normally.
Last year however, childhood stuff randomly resurfaced and sent me a little bit off on a mental tangent.
This time however I thought it felt right to actually tackle it instead of bury it So after a few months clinging on waiting I actually enrolled in some therapy and talked through a lot of things and never even said out loud in my life!
It helped me immensely. I made connections to lifelong thought patterns and behaviours I'd never realised before. I realised the impacts that had been made throughout my life and began to understand them. It didn't free me from them but allowed me to see them, deal with them and move on.
Last year however, childhood stuff randomly resurfaced and sent me a little bit off on a mental tangent.
This time however I thought it felt right to actually tackle it instead of bury it So after a few months clinging on waiting I actually enrolled in some therapy and talked through a lot of things and never even said out loud in my life!
It helped me immensely. I made connections to lifelong thought patterns and behaviours I'd never realised before. I realised the impacts that had been made throughout my life and began to understand them. It didn't free me from them but allowed me to see them, deal with them and move on.
So this last year or two has been an upwards journey for me.
I've literally found a new me.
I learned to drive which gave me freedom. I changed my job which was dragging me down. I found my way back into my passion of roller derby and with a team who have turned out to be a bit of a massive support network for me.
I got involved with Sheesiders who have been wholly instrumental in helping me see the person I believe I am on the inside and not the muddled wreck my illness would have me believe.
I've found fitness which has led me to online communities who promote body positivity, inclusivity and general strength and awesomeness in women.
At the age of 44 I now pour my efforts into my fitness and self worth instead of drink and oblivion.
I've actually learned to love myself and now see myself as strong and worthy instead of weak and undesirable.
I'm the fittest I've ever been and reward my body with love and fuel instead of hate and starvation.
I've literally found a new me.
I learned to drive which gave me freedom. I changed my job which was dragging me down. I found my way back into my passion of roller derby and with a team who have turned out to be a bit of a massive support network for me.
I got involved with Sheesiders who have been wholly instrumental in helping me see the person I believe I am on the inside and not the muddled wreck my illness would have me believe.
I've found fitness which has led me to online communities who promote body positivity, inclusivity and general strength and awesomeness in women.
At the age of 44 I now pour my efforts into my fitness and self worth instead of drink and oblivion.
I've actually learned to love myself and now see myself as strong and worthy instead of weak and undesirable.
I'm the fittest I've ever been and reward my body with love and fuel instead of hate and starvation.
And the biggest most symbolic thing?
I've been weaning off the medication. Medically supervised and a decision I was allowed to make for myself. I've spent a lot of months drawing out my dosage and now at 5 days apart I believe I may have taken my last one.
I have some jitters and wonky thoughts to deal with but believe me, I've had worse.
I can feel it leaving my system and it feels quite cathartic. Just a few more days hopefully......
I'm physically waving bye bye to a massive part of my life I've held round my neck like a millstone and I have no regrets to see it go.
I've been weaning off the medication. Medically supervised and a decision I was allowed to make for myself. I've spent a lot of months drawing out my dosage and now at 5 days apart I believe I may have taken my last one.
I have some jitters and wonky thoughts to deal with but believe me, I've had worse.
I can feel it leaving my system and it feels quite cathartic. Just a few more days hopefully......
I'm physically waving bye bye to a massive part of my life I've held round my neck like a millstone and I have no regrets to see it go.
To anyone who's read all of this, very well done!
To anyone who is struggling, please know that it absolutely IS possible to come through the other side.
To anyone who can identify with any of this and needs to talk, my inbox is always open.
To anybody I can possibly help, I am there!
To any and all of you who have been there for me and helped wether you've known it or not, absolutely truly, bottom of my heart stuff, THANK YOU ❤️
To anyone who is struggling, please know that it absolutely IS possible to come through the other side.
To anyone who can identify with any of this and needs to talk, my inbox is always open.
To anybody I can possibly help, I am there!
To any and all of you who have been there for me and helped wether you've known it or not, absolutely truly, bottom of my heart stuff, THANK YOU ❤️
