MHAW waffle

Hi.
Thought I'd do a little bit of (over) sharing with you seeing as today is the first day of #mentalhealthawarenessweek
Some of you may know (not a secret) that I have spent some time on antidepressants.
Sometime being actually 12 years!  For *this* episode.
What you may not know is that I've suffered with mental health issues my entire life (hindsight).
I had childhood issues that massively contributed towards my mental health, physical health, self esteem, body image, disordered eating, confidence and anything else that could be impacted.
I've carried secrets and shame upon my shoulders from an incredibly young age right through into my fucked up adulthood.
I spent a lot of years descending into drink and drugs and lived the party girl lifestyle to the full.  And although  I actually had the best time being young and living for the weekends, I do wonder if the drinking til the blackouts and lack of self control was some sort of release/coping mechanism?
My depression has caused many problems to varying degrees throughout my life.
It has reared its ugly head multiple times and nearly destroyed me.
It's made me the shittest, most unreliable person.  It's turned me into an irrational, paranoid bastard.
It's made me cry and cry and cry without knowing why.  Often in the worst situations.  At work, facing general public, in my former roller derby team, in front of family. 
I've had multiple breakdowns to the point I have been physically bedridden and almost unable to speak.
It's destroyed relationships with people and ruined friendships.  It's made me hurt people and burn bridges I'll never rebuild.
Worst of all it's made me believe that I am the worst person and all the pain I experienced I truly deserved!  It's also made me contemplate and research suicide methods.  It's even made me feel weak and unworthy when I couldn't bring myself to carry it through.
I spent all these years doing this on multiple medications that would no longer do their job.  I'd up the dosage til I'd max out and then have to be changed onto others.  I would have all sorts of side effects to deal with on top of the illness, and medication felt like russian roulette.

But now the positives..... +++++

Throughout all of this I've had a few constants by my side.  One of which is my partner.  Who is the most patient, caring, understanding soul I've ever known.  He's picked me off the floor, he's held me, he's done all the "life" stuff when I wasn't capable.  He's shown me nothing but love when I've believed I wasn't deserving of any.  I cannot believe he has stuck with me through this, but he has!
The others are my family.  My brothers and my sis-in-law.  Who have also been there for me and continued to love me despite my flakiness as a human being.

Over the last few years I've been in a better place and managing to plod on relatively normally.
Last year however, childhood stuff randomly resurfaced and sent me a little bit off on a mental tangent.
This time however I thought it felt right to actually tackle it instead of bury it   So after a few months clinging on waiting I actually enrolled in some therapy and talked through a lot of things and never even said out loud in my life!
It helped me immensely.  I made connections to lifelong thought patterns and behaviours I'd never realised before.  I realised the impacts that had been made throughout my life and began to understand them.  It didn't free me from them but allowed me to see them, deal with them and move on.

So this last year or two has been an upwards journey for me.
I've literally found a new me. 
I learned to drive which gave me freedom.  I changed my job which was dragging me down.  I found my way back into my passion of roller derby and with a team who have turned out to be a bit of a massive support network for me.
I got involved with Sheesiders who have been wholly instrumental in helping me see the person I believe I am on the inside and not the muddled wreck my illness would have me believe.
I've found fitness which has led me to online communities who promote body positivity, inclusivity and general strength and awesomeness in women.
At the age of 44 I now pour my efforts into my fitness and self worth instead of drink and oblivion.
I've actually learned to love myself and now see myself as strong and worthy instead of weak and undesirable.
I'm the fittest I've ever been and reward my body with love and fuel instead of hate and starvation.

And the biggest most symbolic thing?
I've been weaning off the medication.  Medically supervised and a decision I was allowed to make for myself.  I've spent a lot of months drawing out my dosage and now at 5 days apart I believe I may have taken my last one. 
I have some jitters and wonky thoughts to deal with but believe me, I've had worse.
I can feel it leaving my system and it feels quite cathartic. Just a few more days hopefully......
I'm physically waving bye bye to a massive part of my life I've held round my neck like a millstone and I have no regrets to see it go.

To anyone who's read all of this, very well done!
To anyone who is struggling, please know that it absolutely IS possible to come through the other side.
To anyone who can identify with any of this and needs to talk, my inbox is always open.
To anybody I can possibly help, I am there!
To any and all of you who have been there for me and helped wether you've known it or not, absolutely truly, bottom of my heart stuff, THANK YOU ❤️

Medication

I have taken antidepressants multiple times in my life since my teens.   For varying time periods and varying strengths.

The current period is somewhere round the decade mark.  In that time, I've had 4 different meds and have maxed out dosage strength-wise on 3 of them.

I have a history and s pre disposition for depressive illness.

Some years ago, I was told by my doctor that I would basically be on them for life. 

Fair enough.  If that's the price I pay for being "normal" then I can live with that.

A couple of years ago a different doctor during routine medication review said I was free to choose if I wanted to lower my dosage and consider weaning off.

This came as a surprise as I had honestly thought this want an option for me.

Admittedly I have felt like a regular non depressed person for some time and more like the me I feel I should be; but was always a bit scared to commit to taking the plunge with that decision.

Recently, being the unorganised dink I am, I've run out again and had to undergo 3 days cold turkey.  Not a lengthy period but enough to make it noticeable.

Now I have a decision.  

This could be the perfect opportunity to begin weaning off.  

The doc suggested altering my dose to alternate days and I must admit that the thought of withdrawal had put me off doing it.  However now that I've had a few days of jitters and brain zaps I reckon I could handle it and adapt ok if it was consistent.

So I am taking that decision!

After 10 years on meds, I am gonna take a step towards coming off them!

To me this is a huge deal and something I just thought would never be available to me!

At last I could potentially become "normal" again! 

Biology

Last week I went to visit mam and dad.  Something that I'm finding difficult to do.
Since their home situation came to a head now 2 years ago? (Already??).  And us 3 kids along with Lynn's expertise refurbed their house, I have endured a few visits where I'm interrogated over where things are.
Dad fixates on single irrelevant things?  Small items that I honestly don't remember.
I was sadly unable to memorise every single piece of junk that they accumulated over 50+ years that I threw out.  And I was VERY ruthless about it.
However dad seems able to recall everything and demands answers.
This puts me in an odd situation where we're at a stalemate.  He wants an answer, I haven't got one to give him but he will not let it go.

I was only there ten mins before dad started on me again.
He was once again interrogating me where things are, that I really can't remember as I failed to memorise every item in that house 3 years ago.
He's asking me where Lynn is?  What's happening with the work?
Then he went on to tell me every single thing that had been botched in the house.  How all the building work is shit.  How the electrics and the plumbing is shit.  That she must have had a load of cowboys in.
Oh and the old classic that she's let loads of people in to come and take what they want.
He said he wished we'd got a proper building firm in so he could sue them.
In the meantime shouting at me for answers I simply don't have.
I get that it's frustrating for them with the bathroom not done and stuff and if there is problems, they genuinely will need to be sorted.
But I can't stand and listen to him slag off Lynn after the basically free work she put into the house and I can't have the effort we put in to make this happen thrown back in our faces
He really is the most negative and ungrateful man I've ever known!

I've reached a point now where I want to seriously distance myself from their negativity.
I come away feeling shit every time I go there and I simply can't deal with it anymore.
I struggle with my outlook.  I am truly their daughter but I do not want to become them.  I work hard to be more positive.  To accept my faults.  To accept any blame if it is deserved.  To look on the bright side.
To be a generally normal well rounded human being.

Last week ended with me getting up and walking out while dad was mid shout.  I thanked them for a "lovely visit", got my coat on and left.
I haven't been back since.
Mam has messaged begging me not to fall out with her and that she "has to" stick by dad.
To be honest I never thought she had to but at this age now she will never change that outlook.  I feel like all our lives she's chosen to stick with the life she never liked over the welfare of her kids because that's how her generation did it and there was no alternative.  However, NOT MY CHOICE!!!
Nothing I can ever do will change anything about them.  And there is nonpoint in trying.
I feel like it's just a waiting game until their generation and it's way of living are gone.
I feel numb about them yet still angry.  I feel like it's raised a lot of internal childhood shit I've tried to supress and it's now just bubbling away beneath the surface.
I feel like I should be the nice person and go round and make it up to them but they/dad will just continue to shit on me.  I do NOT give permission for them to do that.
I said I'm done with them.  Maybe I actually am.   Maybe I'm a truly horrible person for it but I do feel like I need to make a break from them for my own life and my own sanity!
I told this to my brother's but I don't think they get how serious I am.
I'm still waiting for Peter's thoughts on it a week on.
But I'm not chasing him.  They can ask him the questions now.  It's no longer on my shoulders.
I am done!

The end is nigh

As the year draws to a close, it becomes a time of reflection.  Of looking back over things we've done and things that have happened.  Some good, some bad.  Life in general I guess.
All in all no major changes.  Life has ticked over as ever.
Same bloke, same home, same job same car.  All good things for me.
Same weight too despite my best efforts.
Obviously we've lost and gained people in our lives.  The sad loss of Norman was a rough time.
The main change for me was taking up roller derby again.
What began as a light hobby on a bit of a whim has once again taken over my life.
I'd never have believed this time last year that I would be playing again.  Not after previous experiences.
In the short 10 months since I began there has been a lot of changes in the team.  A lot of people have come and gone.  It is a different team now to the one I joined.  Not necessarily changes for better or worse; just different.  But I suppose things change and evolve wether we would like them to or not.
I aim to continue for as long as I'm gaining something from it and enjoying it.  Once that stops, I don't need to pay for an experience that I find negative.   This time, no pressure.
I'm hoping to continue through next year and continue to improve.
What ever else the year brings I hope I can rise up to any challenges.
I'm trying to begin the new year in a positive frame of mind and be able to handle January well this time.
Onwards and upwards...

Life and death

It's been a difficult time.
This morning we lost Norman, my father-in-law.
Having been taken by cancer, his decline towards the end was very rapid.  It is a cruel disease.
Small mercies though that he didn't linger on and didnt really suffer and left peacefully in the company of his wife and children.  I guess a lot of people would ultimately choose to go like this and it is a gift bestowed on too few.
A lot of my weekend has been spent in a small room in a care home.
It was obvious it was drawing to an end yesterday and I stayed for a few hours.
I eventually came home to see to the dogs and was advised to get what sleep I could and not to come back.
I agonised over wether to return.  I wanted to be there for Mike and for Norman.
Ultimately I didn't feel safe to drive in the small hours so decided to get a couple of hours sleep if I could and head back early this morning.
He passed at 4.15 so it wasn't meant to be.
I feel terrible that I wasn't there to kiss his cheek, say goodbye and comfort his son.  I think I may always regret that.
I feel helpless that this was happening at all and there's nothing any of us could do to alter it.
All we can do now is be there to comfort each other and offer our support.   Be strong when someone else is weak.
Mike has slept for hours.  He didn't leave his dad's side.  I can't imagine the mental and physical exhaustion that he's under.
But I'll be here to hold his hand, hug him, show him my love and simply be with him.  There's nothing else I can do.

Winter is coming.....

It's nearing November now and I can feel the changes.

It's started a lot earlier this year. It doesn't normally hit hard until post Christmas time.  But this year I could feel it as early as mid September.

The exhaustion and lethargy has took hold again.

I've had problems all over the summer and heatwave we had this year too.  Prob the entire year.  But now it feels worse.

Its not like a depression sadness.  It's simply a matter of physical and mental fatigue. 

I never get enough sleep.  I never feel refreshed on waking.  I feel like I could put my head down and nap anywhere at anytime.  

I have permanent brain fog.  Concentration takes a lot out of me and I feel exhausted when I've had to sustain it at work.

I have no inclination to do anything.  Cleaning, eating, getting dressed, walking the dogs.  I do things because I have to.  I do things because there's consequences if I don't.

I could spend the entire day moving from bed to sofa and back to bed again and I know I wouldn't have any problems getting to sleep again later.

I try to keep going.  I go to practice as much as I can.  Excerise being good for fatigue and all that.  I guess it helps short term.  I do always feel better after.  But it does mean spending the next day or two after extra tired.

I don't see how I'm going to deal with this for potentially the next 6 months....

World Mental Health day and RD

So as someone who has suffered with depression and anxiety in my life I thought I'd think about this in the context of roller derby.
Although I'm quite open about this, you don't need my life history on the subject, so we'll start in the present.  I'm currently in a good place mentally, although this has taken quite a bit of medication, counselling, CBT and a LOT of support and love.
I began playing derby again in this good place however just as life has its ups and downs, so does derby.
I've never been one for team sports outside of rd, but I'm willing to bet any sports player can relate.
I've found it to be very polarising.  By it's very nature it is demanding, both physically and mentally.  Playing it places you in a heightened state of awareness and emotion. 
It's so much more than turning up to skate for a bit though, and the majority of players are intensely passionate about the sport and their league too.  You do tend to become fully immersed in the roller derby world once you become involved.
But the main thing I've experienced in this game is that the highs are VERY high and the lows are rock bottom low!
Maybe thats down to any natural depressive tendencies I lean to, but that's personally how I've found it.
I've had those times when I've doubted my abilities.  I've compared myself to other skaters and always fallen short.  I've been on the cusp of quitting the sport more times than I'd like to admit.
However on the flip side I've had moments when I've felt at my peak.  When I've achieved things I thought were way beyond me and felt on top of the world. 
Those are the moments that have kept me going.  Along with an awesome bunch of people who have a knack of being there to say the right thing when I need it and always keep me grounded.
Some days I love and hate derby in equal measure but so far it has always been the positives that have won out.
It is the kind of sport that makes you feel strong and empowered and it has definitely given me more confidence in all aspects of my life outside of it!
I'm hoping to continue my derby journey in a positive mindset.  I have my team to turn to when I do have any struggles and I am also more aware of any triggers these days so I can work on any negativities creeping in.
I also have rainbow socks and a smile so I'm pretty much set to take on anything!! 😀🌈

Deathrow Hull and onwards...

So bout day came along.
The day started badly when my carshare fell through so I had a spare couple of hours alone with my thoughts and low self esteem winding me up.
By the time I arrived at the venue I was feeling very negative about what was gonna happen.
I tried not to show this to my team but I'm rubbish at hiding my emotions and it was written all over my face.
Someone asked about the lineups and names were read out.  Except mine.  The reason being that I was down as jammer.  On hearing this my stomach lurched.  I felt sick.  I felt sure they were never going to put me on to jam again after the last games pathetic performance.  I mean I'm old, fat and asthmatic!  I'm a joke of a jammer!
But it was happening!
I played the entire game with the wrong attitude.  Constantly berating myself and feeling useless.
I still gave it my all but my all isn't good enough.
The final whistle couldn't come soon enough for me.  I just wanted the experience to be over so I could go home.  I didn't feel like socialising after.

So that was a week ago and I've had time to reflect.
I've tried to think about the situation subjectively and maturely.  And I've come to the conclusion that two things are happening.
My poor self esteem issues are beginning to take over and eat me up and I shouldn't be allowing that.
I would NEVER speak to anyone else the way I treat myself.  This is like my default setting and these habits creep in whenever I face any difficult situation.  It will eventually send me further down into depression and I cannot let that happen again.
At least I am becoming aware of triggers and looking to counteract them.  Although it is a lifetimes habit that is hard to break.
The second factor is that I'm being fielded in games that are simply beyond my ability.  Maybe I should have done a few more rookie games before I took on champs games alongside people who have been playing for a good few years and are obviously going to outplay me.
Maybe it's just going to take me a bit longer to find my feet (skates).
I understand totally the need for team numbers and why I was played but I'm beginning to realise my poorer performance was not necessarily my fault.  Nor my team's or coaches.  It's just one of those things.

I am working hard on changing my negative attitude.  This is not the person who first approached this team full of fun and potential and I don't want to allow my negative side take over.
I am no longer on the cusp of quitting the team.  (I have come close every single game I've played).
I am going to pull on my rainbow socks, stick on a smile and head off to practice today with a "what can I do to improve today" attitude!

Roller Derby

So roller derby was a thing in my life again.  Oh how I'd missed the rush of skating and hitting.
The game had changed a lot since I'd last participated in some 7 years prior.  Some rules had changed, tactics and general gameplay had altered drastically.  I had no problems with starting from scratch again.
I progressed through my mins quite quickly and eventually passed the elusive 27 in 5.  (That is an entirely separate post on its own the issues I had there).  And was soon rostered to play with the team halfway through the champs season.
My first game was marred by the attitudes of some that I'd been rostered before them.  Fair enough I understood.  But it was difficult to shake off the guilt and unease I felt through the game eating away at me.
I'd promised myself I was doing this for fun and then the moment I stop enjoying it is when I quit.  I'm not repeating my past experiences.
I came quite close to ending my short lived derby career that day.
However I ploughed on.   Issues got sorted and apologies were made to me afterwards.  All now water under the bridge.
More games came and went.  One we even won!
But throughout them all I could see that I'm not performing like I would like to.  I'm slow and sloppy and not working for my team as I should be.
Fair enough I guess I'm "new" but I'm not naiive.
I feel like I'm failing my team and costing them points or a win.
There was one game in particular that I jammed for.  I was terrible.  I couldn't get through walls at all.  I score 0 points and nearly fouled out through penalties.
My team are lucky I came back after half time because all I wanted to do was get in my car and drive home.
I would love a glittering derby career and see this team progress like they should. 
I still go to training sessions.  I learn tactics.  I practice drills.  I did well in the beginning but I am guessing that I need to face up to the fact that 1, I'm not young and 2, I'm not very good.
That brings me to today. 
We are playing Deathrow Hull tomorrow and I am dreading it.
I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously questioning if what I'm doing is actually worth feeling how shit it makes me feel about myself.
I don't actually want to quit because deep down I love the sport.  I really love my team too.  And I do love being involved.  The option to carry on not skating is there but I'm quite afraid of making that leap because I still love skating so much.
I'm going to see how tomorrow goes before I make any decisions.

A catch up potted history...

Well I haven't done a very good job of keeping this blog going but I thought I'd try and start it up again.
So since my last post, I've managed to alter a few things in my life.
After a year of lessons, I managed to pass a driving test and get meself my first little car.  This led on to getting a new job and getting myself out of the ten year rut I'd spent working for Specsavers.  And to quote my exit interview, "Never have I ever worked so hard for so little".
Things on the up for me at last!?
However nothing lasts and this led on to a post Christmas winter depression funk like I'd never experienced.
By February id had enough. 
In order to get out of it I decided I needed to find something to do.  I have transport now.  I'm not just restricted to Boro.
As if by magic a thought occurred to me about the sport I'd previously done.  That ended badly with my team but there still lingered a love of the game of Roller Derby.
At the same time I was thinking it, Mike actually came out and suggested it.  So it seemed meant to be.
After looking into and contacting the 3 most local teams outside of Middlesbrough, I went along to meet Durham City Rolling Angels.
My full intention being to NSO.  Kept my hand in and help where I could.  Being over 40, obviously my skating days were behind me.
By the 3rd week I was on skates being marked off on minimum skills.  I was hooked again and truly happy.

A new blog...

...Purely cos I feel the need to vent and ramble and try to make sense of my mental mish-mash.
I don't even care if nobody reads it.  And I'm going to try not to care if anyone does!