Winter is coming.....

It's nearing November now and I can feel the changes.

It's started a lot earlier this year. It doesn't normally hit hard until post Christmas time.  But this year I could feel it as early as mid September.

The exhaustion and lethargy has took hold again.

I've had problems all over the summer and heatwave we had this year too.  Prob the entire year.  But now it feels worse.

Its not like a depression sadness.  It's simply a matter of physical and mental fatigue. 

I never get enough sleep.  I never feel refreshed on waking.  I feel like I could put my head down and nap anywhere at anytime.  

I have permanent brain fog.  Concentration takes a lot out of me and I feel exhausted when I've had to sustain it at work.

I have no inclination to do anything.  Cleaning, eating, getting dressed, walking the dogs.  I do things because I have to.  I do things because there's consequences if I don't.

I could spend the entire day moving from bed to sofa and back to bed again and I know I wouldn't have any problems getting to sleep again later.

I try to keep going.  I go to practice as much as I can.  Excerise being good for fatigue and all that.  I guess it helps short term.  I do always feel better after.  But it does mean spending the next day or two after extra tired.

I don't see how I'm going to deal with this for potentially the next 6 months....

World Mental Health day and RD

So as someone who has suffered with depression and anxiety in my life I thought I'd think about this in the context of roller derby.
Although I'm quite open about this, you don't need my life history on the subject, so we'll start in the present.  I'm currently in a good place mentally, although this has taken quite a bit of medication, counselling, CBT and a LOT of support and love.
I began playing derby again in this good place however just as life has its ups and downs, so does derby.
I've never been one for team sports outside of rd, but I'm willing to bet any sports player can relate.
I've found it to be very polarising.  By it's very nature it is demanding, both physically and mentally.  Playing it places you in a heightened state of awareness and emotion. 
It's so much more than turning up to skate for a bit though, and the majority of players are intensely passionate about the sport and their league too.  You do tend to become fully immersed in the roller derby world once you become involved.
But the main thing I've experienced in this game is that the highs are VERY high and the lows are rock bottom low!
Maybe thats down to any natural depressive tendencies I lean to, but that's personally how I've found it.
I've had those times when I've doubted my abilities.  I've compared myself to other skaters and always fallen short.  I've been on the cusp of quitting the sport more times than I'd like to admit.
However on the flip side I've had moments when I've felt at my peak.  When I've achieved things I thought were way beyond me and felt on top of the world. 
Those are the moments that have kept me going.  Along with an awesome bunch of people who have a knack of being there to say the right thing when I need it and always keep me grounded.
Some days I love and hate derby in equal measure but so far it has always been the positives that have won out.
It is the kind of sport that makes you feel strong and empowered and it has definitely given me more confidence in all aspects of my life outside of it!
I'm hoping to continue my derby journey in a positive mindset.  I have my team to turn to when I do have any struggles and I am also more aware of any triggers these days so I can work on any negativities creeping in.
I also have rainbow socks and a smile so I'm pretty much set to take on anything!! 😀🌈