Deathrow Hull and onwards...

So bout day came along.
The day started badly when my carshare fell through so I had a spare couple of hours alone with my thoughts and low self esteem winding me up.
By the time I arrived at the venue I was feeling very negative about what was gonna happen.
I tried not to show this to my team but I'm rubbish at hiding my emotions and it was written all over my face.
Someone asked about the lineups and names were read out.  Except mine.  The reason being that I was down as jammer.  On hearing this my stomach lurched.  I felt sick.  I felt sure they were never going to put me on to jam again after the last games pathetic performance.  I mean I'm old, fat and asthmatic!  I'm a joke of a jammer!
But it was happening!
I played the entire game with the wrong attitude.  Constantly berating myself and feeling useless.
I still gave it my all but my all isn't good enough.
The final whistle couldn't come soon enough for me.  I just wanted the experience to be over so I could go home.  I didn't feel like socialising after.

So that was a week ago and I've had time to reflect.
I've tried to think about the situation subjectively and maturely.  And I've come to the conclusion that two things are happening.
My poor self esteem issues are beginning to take over and eat me up and I shouldn't be allowing that.
I would NEVER speak to anyone else the way I treat myself.  This is like my default setting and these habits creep in whenever I face any difficult situation.  It will eventually send me further down into depression and I cannot let that happen again.
At least I am becoming aware of triggers and looking to counteract them.  Although it is a lifetimes habit that is hard to break.
The second factor is that I'm being fielded in games that are simply beyond my ability.  Maybe I should have done a few more rookie games before I took on champs games alongside people who have been playing for a good few years and are obviously going to outplay me.
Maybe it's just going to take me a bit longer to find my feet (skates).
I understand totally the need for team numbers and why I was played but I'm beginning to realise my poorer performance was not necessarily my fault.  Nor my team's or coaches.  It's just one of those things.

I am working hard on changing my negative attitude.  This is not the person who first approached this team full of fun and potential and I don't want to allow my negative side take over.
I am no longer on the cusp of quitting the team.  (I have come close every single game I've played).
I am going to pull on my rainbow socks, stick on a smile and head off to practice today with a "what can I do to improve today" attitude!

Roller Derby

So roller derby was a thing in my life again.  Oh how I'd missed the rush of skating and hitting.
The game had changed a lot since I'd last participated in some 7 years prior.  Some rules had changed, tactics and general gameplay had altered drastically.  I had no problems with starting from scratch again.
I progressed through my mins quite quickly and eventually passed the elusive 27 in 5.  (That is an entirely separate post on its own the issues I had there).  And was soon rostered to play with the team halfway through the champs season.
My first game was marred by the attitudes of some that I'd been rostered before them.  Fair enough I understood.  But it was difficult to shake off the guilt and unease I felt through the game eating away at me.
I'd promised myself I was doing this for fun and then the moment I stop enjoying it is when I quit.  I'm not repeating my past experiences.
I came quite close to ending my short lived derby career that day.
However I ploughed on.   Issues got sorted and apologies were made to me afterwards.  All now water under the bridge.
More games came and went.  One we even won!
But throughout them all I could see that I'm not performing like I would like to.  I'm slow and sloppy and not working for my team as I should be.
Fair enough I guess I'm "new" but I'm not naiive.
I feel like I'm failing my team and costing them points or a win.
There was one game in particular that I jammed for.  I was terrible.  I couldn't get through walls at all.  I score 0 points and nearly fouled out through penalties.
My team are lucky I came back after half time because all I wanted to do was get in my car and drive home.
I would love a glittering derby career and see this team progress like they should. 
I still go to training sessions.  I learn tactics.  I practice drills.  I did well in the beginning but I am guessing that I need to face up to the fact that 1, I'm not young and 2, I'm not very good.
That brings me to today. 
We are playing Deathrow Hull tomorrow and I am dreading it.
I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously questioning if what I'm doing is actually worth feeling how shit it makes me feel about myself.
I don't actually want to quit because deep down I love the sport.  I really love my team too.  And I do love being involved.  The option to carry on not skating is there but I'm quite afraid of making that leap because I still love skating so much.
I'm going to see how tomorrow goes before I make any decisions.

A catch up potted history...

Well I haven't done a very good job of keeping this blog going but I thought I'd try and start it up again.
So since my last post, I've managed to alter a few things in my life.
After a year of lessons, I managed to pass a driving test and get meself my first little car.  This led on to getting a new job and getting myself out of the ten year rut I'd spent working for Specsavers.  And to quote my exit interview, "Never have I ever worked so hard for so little".
Things on the up for me at last!?
However nothing lasts and this led on to a post Christmas winter depression funk like I'd never experienced.
By February id had enough. 
In order to get out of it I decided I needed to find something to do.  I have transport now.  I'm not just restricted to Boro.
As if by magic a thought occurred to me about the sport I'd previously done.  That ended badly with my team but there still lingered a love of the game of Roller Derby.
At the same time I was thinking it, Mike actually came out and suggested it.  So it seemed meant to be.
After looking into and contacting the 3 most local teams outside of Middlesbrough, I went along to meet Durham City Rolling Angels.
My full intention being to NSO.  Kept my hand in and help where I could.  Being over 40, obviously my skating days were behind me.
By the 3rd week I was on skates being marked off on minimum skills.  I was hooked again and truly happy.