Roller Derby

So roller derby was a thing in my life again.  Oh how I'd missed the rush of skating and hitting.
The game had changed a lot since I'd last participated in some 7 years prior.  Some rules had changed, tactics and general gameplay had altered drastically.  I had no problems with starting from scratch again.
I progressed through my mins quite quickly and eventually passed the elusive 27 in 5.  (That is an entirely separate post on its own the issues I had there).  And was soon rostered to play with the team halfway through the champs season.
My first game was marred by the attitudes of some that I'd been rostered before them.  Fair enough I understood.  But it was difficult to shake off the guilt and unease I felt through the game eating away at me.
I'd promised myself I was doing this for fun and then the moment I stop enjoying it is when I quit.  I'm not repeating my past experiences.
I came quite close to ending my short lived derby career that day.
However I ploughed on.   Issues got sorted and apologies were made to me afterwards.  All now water under the bridge.
More games came and went.  One we even won!
But throughout them all I could see that I'm not performing like I would like to.  I'm slow and sloppy and not working for my team as I should be.
Fair enough I guess I'm "new" but I'm not naiive.
I feel like I'm failing my team and costing them points or a win.
There was one game in particular that I jammed for.  I was terrible.  I couldn't get through walls at all.  I score 0 points and nearly fouled out through penalties.
My team are lucky I came back after half time because all I wanted to do was get in my car and drive home.
I would love a glittering derby career and see this team progress like they should. 
I still go to training sessions.  I learn tactics.  I practice drills.  I did well in the beginning but I am guessing that I need to face up to the fact that 1, I'm not young and 2, I'm not very good.
That brings me to today. 
We are playing Deathrow Hull tomorrow and I am dreading it.
I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously questioning if what I'm doing is actually worth feeling how shit it makes me feel about myself.
I don't actually want to quit because deep down I love the sport.  I really love my team too.  And I do love being involved.  The option to carry on not skating is there but I'm quite afraid of making that leap because I still love skating so much.
I'm going to see how tomorrow goes before I make any decisions.