Deathrow Hull and onwards...

So bout day came along.
The day started badly when my carshare fell through so I had a spare couple of hours alone with my thoughts and low self esteem winding me up.
By the time I arrived at the venue I was feeling very negative about what was gonna happen.
I tried not to show this to my team but I'm rubbish at hiding my emotions and it was written all over my face.
Someone asked about the lineups and names were read out.  Except mine.  The reason being that I was down as jammer.  On hearing this my stomach lurched.  I felt sick.  I felt sure they were never going to put me on to jam again after the last games pathetic performance.  I mean I'm old, fat and asthmatic!  I'm a joke of a jammer!
But it was happening!
I played the entire game with the wrong attitude.  Constantly berating myself and feeling useless.
I still gave it my all but my all isn't good enough.
The final whistle couldn't come soon enough for me.  I just wanted the experience to be over so I could go home.  I didn't feel like socialising after.

So that was a week ago and I've had time to reflect.
I've tried to think about the situation subjectively and maturely.  And I've come to the conclusion that two things are happening.
My poor self esteem issues are beginning to take over and eat me up and I shouldn't be allowing that.
I would NEVER speak to anyone else the way I treat myself.  This is like my default setting and these habits creep in whenever I face any difficult situation.  It will eventually send me further down into depression and I cannot let that happen again.
At least I am becoming aware of triggers and looking to counteract them.  Although it is a lifetimes habit that is hard to break.
The second factor is that I'm being fielded in games that are simply beyond my ability.  Maybe I should have done a few more rookie games before I took on champs games alongside people who have been playing for a good few years and are obviously going to outplay me.
Maybe it's just going to take me a bit longer to find my feet (skates).
I understand totally the need for team numbers and why I was played but I'm beginning to realise my poorer performance was not necessarily my fault.  Nor my team's or coaches.  It's just one of those things.

I am working hard on changing my negative attitude.  This is not the person who first approached this team full of fun and potential and I don't want to allow my negative side take over.
I am no longer on the cusp of quitting the team.  (I have come close every single game I've played).
I am going to pull on my rainbow socks, stick on a smile and head off to practice today with a "what can I do to improve today" attitude!