The end is nigh

As the year draws to a close, it becomes a time of reflection.  Of looking back over things we've done and things that have happened.  Some good, some bad.  Life in general I guess.
All in all no major changes.  Life has ticked over as ever.
Same bloke, same home, same job same car.  All good things for me.
Same weight too despite my best efforts.
Obviously we've lost and gained people in our lives.  The sad loss of Norman was a rough time.
The main change for me was taking up roller derby again.
What began as a light hobby on a bit of a whim has once again taken over my life.
I'd never have believed this time last year that I would be playing again.  Not after previous experiences.
In the short 10 months since I began there has been a lot of changes in the team.  A lot of people have come and gone.  It is a different team now to the one I joined.  Not necessarily changes for better or worse; just different.  But I suppose things change and evolve wether we would like them to or not.
I aim to continue for as long as I'm gaining something from it and enjoying it.  Once that stops, I don't need to pay for an experience that I find negative.   This time, no pressure.
I'm hoping to continue through next year and continue to improve.
What ever else the year brings I hope I can rise up to any challenges.
I'm trying to begin the new year in a positive frame of mind and be able to handle January well this time.
Onwards and upwards...

Life and death

It's been a difficult time.
This morning we lost Norman, my father-in-law.
Having been taken by cancer, his decline towards the end was very rapid.  It is a cruel disease.
Small mercies though that he didn't linger on and didnt really suffer and left peacefully in the company of his wife and children.  I guess a lot of people would ultimately choose to go like this and it is a gift bestowed on too few.
A lot of my weekend has been spent in a small room in a care home.
It was obvious it was drawing to an end yesterday and I stayed for a few hours.
I eventually came home to see to the dogs and was advised to get what sleep I could and not to come back.
I agonised over wether to return.  I wanted to be there for Mike and for Norman.
Ultimately I didn't feel safe to drive in the small hours so decided to get a couple of hours sleep if I could and head back early this morning.
He passed at 4.15 so it wasn't meant to be.
I feel terrible that I wasn't there to kiss his cheek, say goodbye and comfort his son.  I think I may always regret that.
I feel helpless that this was happening at all and there's nothing any of us could do to alter it.
All we can do now is be there to comfort each other and offer our support.   Be strong when someone else is weak.
Mike has slept for hours.  He didn't leave his dad's side.  I can't imagine the mental and physical exhaustion that he's under.
But I'll be here to hold his hand, hug him, show him my love and simply be with him.  There's nothing else I can do.

Winter is coming.....

It's nearing November now and I can feel the changes.

It's started a lot earlier this year. It doesn't normally hit hard until post Christmas time.  But this year I could feel it as early as mid September.

The exhaustion and lethargy has took hold again.

I've had problems all over the summer and heatwave we had this year too.  Prob the entire year.  But now it feels worse.

Its not like a depression sadness.  It's simply a matter of physical and mental fatigue. 

I never get enough sleep.  I never feel refreshed on waking.  I feel like I could put my head down and nap anywhere at anytime.  

I have permanent brain fog.  Concentration takes a lot out of me and I feel exhausted when I've had to sustain it at work.

I have no inclination to do anything.  Cleaning, eating, getting dressed, walking the dogs.  I do things because I have to.  I do things because there's consequences if I don't.

I could spend the entire day moving from bed to sofa and back to bed again and I know I wouldn't have any problems getting to sleep again later.

I try to keep going.  I go to practice as much as I can.  Excerise being good for fatigue and all that.  I guess it helps short term.  I do always feel better after.  But it does mean spending the next day or two after extra tired.

I don't see how I'm going to deal with this for potentially the next 6 months....

World Mental Health day and RD

So as someone who has suffered with depression and anxiety in my life I thought I'd think about this in the context of roller derby.
Although I'm quite open about this, you don't need my life history on the subject, so we'll start in the present.  I'm currently in a good place mentally, although this has taken quite a bit of medication, counselling, CBT and a LOT of support and love.
I began playing derby again in this good place however just as life has its ups and downs, so does derby.
I've never been one for team sports outside of rd, but I'm willing to bet any sports player can relate.
I've found it to be very polarising.  By it's very nature it is demanding, both physically and mentally.  Playing it places you in a heightened state of awareness and emotion. 
It's so much more than turning up to skate for a bit though, and the majority of players are intensely passionate about the sport and their league too.  You do tend to become fully immersed in the roller derby world once you become involved.
But the main thing I've experienced in this game is that the highs are VERY high and the lows are rock bottom low!
Maybe thats down to any natural depressive tendencies I lean to, but that's personally how I've found it.
I've had those times when I've doubted my abilities.  I've compared myself to other skaters and always fallen short.  I've been on the cusp of quitting the sport more times than I'd like to admit.
However on the flip side I've had moments when I've felt at my peak.  When I've achieved things I thought were way beyond me and felt on top of the world. 
Those are the moments that have kept me going.  Along with an awesome bunch of people who have a knack of being there to say the right thing when I need it and always keep me grounded.
Some days I love and hate derby in equal measure but so far it has always been the positives that have won out.
It is the kind of sport that makes you feel strong and empowered and it has definitely given me more confidence in all aspects of my life outside of it!
I'm hoping to continue my derby journey in a positive mindset.  I have my team to turn to when I do have any struggles and I am also more aware of any triggers these days so I can work on any negativities creeping in.
I also have rainbow socks and a smile so I'm pretty much set to take on anything!! 😀🌈

Deathrow Hull and onwards...

So bout day came along.
The day started badly when my carshare fell through so I had a spare couple of hours alone with my thoughts and low self esteem winding me up.
By the time I arrived at the venue I was feeling very negative about what was gonna happen.
I tried not to show this to my team but I'm rubbish at hiding my emotions and it was written all over my face.
Someone asked about the lineups and names were read out.  Except mine.  The reason being that I was down as jammer.  On hearing this my stomach lurched.  I felt sick.  I felt sure they were never going to put me on to jam again after the last games pathetic performance.  I mean I'm old, fat and asthmatic!  I'm a joke of a jammer!
But it was happening!
I played the entire game with the wrong attitude.  Constantly berating myself and feeling useless.
I still gave it my all but my all isn't good enough.
The final whistle couldn't come soon enough for me.  I just wanted the experience to be over so I could go home.  I didn't feel like socialising after.

So that was a week ago and I've had time to reflect.
I've tried to think about the situation subjectively and maturely.  And I've come to the conclusion that two things are happening.
My poor self esteem issues are beginning to take over and eat me up and I shouldn't be allowing that.
I would NEVER speak to anyone else the way I treat myself.  This is like my default setting and these habits creep in whenever I face any difficult situation.  It will eventually send me further down into depression and I cannot let that happen again.
At least I am becoming aware of triggers and looking to counteract them.  Although it is a lifetimes habit that is hard to break.
The second factor is that I'm being fielded in games that are simply beyond my ability.  Maybe I should have done a few more rookie games before I took on champs games alongside people who have been playing for a good few years and are obviously going to outplay me.
Maybe it's just going to take me a bit longer to find my feet (skates).
I understand totally the need for team numbers and why I was played but I'm beginning to realise my poorer performance was not necessarily my fault.  Nor my team's or coaches.  It's just one of those things.

I am working hard on changing my negative attitude.  This is not the person who first approached this team full of fun and potential and I don't want to allow my negative side take over.
I am no longer on the cusp of quitting the team.  (I have come close every single game I've played).
I am going to pull on my rainbow socks, stick on a smile and head off to practice today with a "what can I do to improve today" attitude!

Roller Derby

So roller derby was a thing in my life again.  Oh how I'd missed the rush of skating and hitting.
The game had changed a lot since I'd last participated in some 7 years prior.  Some rules had changed, tactics and general gameplay had altered drastically.  I had no problems with starting from scratch again.
I progressed through my mins quite quickly and eventually passed the elusive 27 in 5.  (That is an entirely separate post on its own the issues I had there).  And was soon rostered to play with the team halfway through the champs season.
My first game was marred by the attitudes of some that I'd been rostered before them.  Fair enough I understood.  But it was difficult to shake off the guilt and unease I felt through the game eating away at me.
I'd promised myself I was doing this for fun and then the moment I stop enjoying it is when I quit.  I'm not repeating my past experiences.
I came quite close to ending my short lived derby career that day.
However I ploughed on.   Issues got sorted and apologies were made to me afterwards.  All now water under the bridge.
More games came and went.  One we even won!
But throughout them all I could see that I'm not performing like I would like to.  I'm slow and sloppy and not working for my team as I should be.
Fair enough I guess I'm "new" but I'm not naiive.
I feel like I'm failing my team and costing them points or a win.
There was one game in particular that I jammed for.  I was terrible.  I couldn't get through walls at all.  I score 0 points and nearly fouled out through penalties.
My team are lucky I came back after half time because all I wanted to do was get in my car and drive home.
I would love a glittering derby career and see this team progress like they should. 
I still go to training sessions.  I learn tactics.  I practice drills.  I did well in the beginning but I am guessing that I need to face up to the fact that 1, I'm not young and 2, I'm not very good.
That brings me to today. 
We are playing Deathrow Hull tomorrow and I am dreading it.
I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously questioning if what I'm doing is actually worth feeling how shit it makes me feel about myself.
I don't actually want to quit because deep down I love the sport.  I really love my team too.  And I do love being involved.  The option to carry on not skating is there but I'm quite afraid of making that leap because I still love skating so much.
I'm going to see how tomorrow goes before I make any decisions.

A catch up potted history...

Well I haven't done a very good job of keeping this blog going but I thought I'd try and start it up again.
So since my last post, I've managed to alter a few things in my life.
After a year of lessons, I managed to pass a driving test and get meself my first little car.  This led on to getting a new job and getting myself out of the ten year rut I'd spent working for Specsavers.  And to quote my exit interview, "Never have I ever worked so hard for so little".
Things on the up for me at last!?
However nothing lasts and this led on to a post Christmas winter depression funk like I'd never experienced.
By February id had enough. 
In order to get out of it I decided I needed to find something to do.  I have transport now.  I'm not just restricted to Boro.
As if by magic a thought occurred to me about the sport I'd previously done.  That ended badly with my team but there still lingered a love of the game of Roller Derby.
At the same time I was thinking it, Mike actually came out and suggested it.  So it seemed meant to be.
After looking into and contacting the 3 most local teams outside of Middlesbrough, I went along to meet Durham City Rolling Angels.
My full intention being to NSO.  Kept my hand in and help where I could.  Being over 40, obviously my skating days were behind me.
By the 3rd week I was on skates being marked off on minimum skills.  I was hooked again and truly happy.